Weekend at the Root House

It was a lazy weekend at the Root House. The most productive thing I did yesterday was clean dog snot off of the sliding glass door that leads out to the porch. Let me clarify, I cleaned dog snot off of the INSIDE of the sliding glass door. It was 1 degree outside. That's right. ONE FREAKING DEGREE. We can't even get plural degrees. Just one. Singular. Since there was only one degree out there yesterday I claimed that one degree as my own like I had just settled a new colony.

I hereby claim this degree in the name of the queen and name it "New Rootville"

Let me also fill you in on the nuances of dog snot. First of all, the reason there is/was vast quantities of dog snot on our sliding glass door is b/c this door faces the street. When Bailey is bored, she sits at this door, evidently with her nose pressed against it at all times, and watches for whomever or whatever passes by. The rest of the time she chews on carpet. Our carpet looks like someone went on an archeological dig.

Bailey the archaeologist says (and I quote), "Hmmm, I wonder if there could be any tasty morsels under this square foot of carpet?"

(insert noise of a dog sticking snout to carpet, pulling carpet up, shaking head like an alligator that has just captured some food, and tossing pieces of carpet to and fro)

"Nope, nothing to eat here. I think I'll go put some more snot on the door. That sounds entertaining."

Second of all, dog snot is undoubtedly pretty easy to clean up when fresh. This dog snot was not fresh. Mamma asked me to clean the dog snot up a LONG time ago. ADD kicked in again and I, of course, forgot. Undoubtedly I was distracted by something vastly more important like, I don't know, sitting on my tail end shoving cheesy poofs down my craw and watching American Chopper. By the way, American Chopper is the best show on TV, but I'll get into that in another post.

I'm convinced that the Army could use dog snot as tank armor. Windex is powerless against its concrete-like properties. After scrubbing for about 20 minutes I gave up on the Windex and went to get the spare car battery we keep in the closet so I could harness the acid contained therein and dump it on the dog snot. Ok, I didn't really do that and we don't really keep a car battery in our closet, but I did go get the mildew remover spray and it worked pretty derned well.

However, for those of you keeping track at home, dog snot sucks.


Mamma, Junior, and I watched the Super Bowl yesterday. Good game, if a little sloppy (like dog snot). The Bears should have won except they have a quarterback that is better suited for butter carving than throwing a football.

I made a few predictions on the game but I think my final one was that the Colts would win but the Bears would cover the 6.5 spread. I would have been right if Margie the Butter Artist (i.e. Grossman) hadn't thrown a pick that was returned for a TD.

That boy had better not get on that plane back to Chi-Town, b/c really, there's no reason to. His house probably got burned down last night.

On Saturday I went to a local meat market and bought some snacks for us to eat during the game. One of my purchases was a 1/2 lb of pepperoni. It was gooooood...until I realized that I had eaten way to much of it. You know when you get a pepperoni pizza and it comes out and has all that grease on top? I normally take a napkin and dab that stuff off. However, when you eat the pepperoni cold, the grease doesn't "pool". Thus, after I finished a few (read: a lot) pieces of pepperoni, fixed some bruschetta with pepperoni and then subsequently ate too much of that, I felt like I had just gone face down in a five-gallon bucket of Crisco.

I felt like unmitigated poo poo. Mamma didn't eat as much as I did, but she didn't feel well either. Not like food poisoning "not feel well". Just I've got 2 lbs of lard sitting on my belly "not feel well."

There's a reason my body is shaped like Bobby from King of the Hill.

Anyway, dog snot gone. I'm over the lard induced sickness. I'm back at work. Case closed.