My Crazy Damned Dream

Sometimes I have the craziest damned dreams. Just one time...Just once, I'd like to have (and remember) one of those dreams where I'm in a scene like Happy Gilmore's (for those of you that have seen the movie) happy place.

Picture this: There's a burbling brook in the background. It's a sunny day. Let's say the temperature is in the low 80's just for the sake of argument. There's a big oak tree in the foreground providing just enough shade that you can stretch out and take a nap. Let's also assume fire ants don't exist in this place, alright? Don't ruin the happy place with ants.

Now, as if this happy place wasn't happy enough, in the movie Happy Gilmore also has a midget (midgets..aka...little people...are the coolest people ever. Everything's more fun when an LP is involved) riding a broomstick horse, dressed like a kid in a cowboy outfit. Ok, I might even accept a few fire ants if there was a midget dressed as a cowboy riding a broomstick horse...but wait! It get's better!

In this happy place (again, in the movie) there was also a scantily clad blonde in white lingerie carrying two ice cold pitchers of beer. Well, that's a nice addition, eh? Now, I'm a happily married man, but my wife told me some dude on TV the other day was good looking, so afford me the luxury of being jealous that this fictitious Happy Gilmore feller has a beer toting blonde in lingerie in his happy place.

(sidenote: She also says Junior and I have matching double chins...but the guy on TV didn't have a double chin! What the hell?!??!?!?!?!!!)

WOW! Now that's a happy place. Here's what I get in my dream last night.

I'm sitting around our apartment with my parents and a few other folks. OK, so this is cool so far except for the fact that I'm in our apartment, which happens to be located in The Frozen Tundra (aka...MI). I can get over that. I'm hanging out with my folks and solving the world's problems with them and some other random people.

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear but Don Shula, former coach of the Miami Dolphins. Holy Crap!! This dream just got better. I get all excited because not only do I get to meet Don Shula, but I get to sit down and discuss football with him. Geez, I'm a happy kid!

Then, just when I'm about to try to segway into a football conversation with Don (Don and I are on a first name basis, you know?), Dad (aka...Grandpa V) and Bailey (aka...our dog) start chasing each other around the apartment. That's right. My dad and dog are running laps around our coffee table, right in the middle of everyone. The dog's barking. Dad's laughing. I'm trying to solve the mysteries of the football universe here, damnit!

So I yell at Dad and Bailey to pipe down. Dad then gets upset and goes in the other room. The Dog is then upset as well and goes to lay down in the corner and whimper. I feel like an unmitigated ass hole. Then, I wake up. What a great feeling to wake up with. You just hurt your dad and dog's feelings. There's no Don Shula in the room. There's certainly no midgets or beer toting, lingerie wearing women. Mamma and Junior are in the nursery. GOD DANGIT!!! WHERE'S DON SHULA!?!?!?

Oh well. I then realize it's 6 AM and time to get up anyway so I go fix my coffee and start the day. I go see Junior and Bahama Mamma. They're doing fine. I drink my coffee, head to work, and all's copasetic...

However, case in point, I want brooks, shade trees, midget cowboys, and beer toting women and all I get is fire ants. Bummer.