3rd Shift Pappa

You know, the best part about taking 3rd shift around the Root household is that Junior and I get to spend a lot of time together. The worst part about taking 3rd shift around the Root household is that our time usually begins with a feed call, a poo call, a pee call, or a "Dad, I've got enough air in my belly to float the Hindenburg" call.

Thankfully, he's a quiet baby after you figure out what his need is and satisfy that need. I've heard that many babies are derned near impossible to get to sleep after they're upset about something. This is where the "best part of 3rd shift" comes in. Once you get him calmed down, he's a pretty cool little guy and is content to sit there and watch Sportscenter until he falls asleep.

Speaking of different baby calls: how do babies differentiate the different calls when they communicate with each other? OK, I know babies don't communicate with each other, but if a bunch of babies are all sitting around a nursery crying, can one tell the difference between a feed call and a poo call? Yeah, I don't think so either. I think babies are pretty much like Bob Knight: they don't give a crap what other babies think or have to say. If babies could communicate it would probably go something like this:

Baby 1: HUUUUUNNNNNGGRRRRRYYYYY!!!!!

Baby 2: I HAVE TO BURRRRRRPPPP!!!

Baby 3: POOOOOOOOOP!

What if there was locker room conversation between the male babies?

Male Baby 1: Hey, did you see that chick over in cradle 2?

Male Baby 2: Yeah, man! She's hot. I love those girls with chubby legs. Do you see the way her leg fat hangs over her ankles?

Male Baby 1: Heck yeah. How about the way her bald head glistens? Nothing gets me going like a chick with a bald head.

Or maybe the girl babies would discuss completely different matters than what they discuss as adults:

Female Baby 1: So, I was pooping my diaper the other day and...

Female Baby 2: Really?!?!? That's like totally cool, because, like....I poop my diaper too!

Female Baby 1: NO WAY!! You poop your diaper too? What color?

OK, you get the picture.


However, babies do care about getting the attention of their parents to solve whatever dilemma they might have. I think that's part of the reason that a baby's cry sounds so shrill. It has to be some genetic thing that is part of adults and babies. Babies are designed such that their cry sounds like Rosanne Barr singing the National Anthem. Adults, and for many of us parents that term only applies in its most basic form, are designed such that we would sell a limb to get that cry to cease.

I'm also convinced that Junior is more awake at night than during the day. He was that way in the hospital and he's that way at home. During the day he's a bum. As soon as 10:30 PM rolls around, the disco ball drops from the ceiling and it's time to get it on! Looks like a lot of 3rd shifts are coming my way when he turns 16 as well.