I've Figured Out How to NOT Get Peed Upon

I was exchanging e-mails with my cousin's wife (is that my cousin-in-law?) Shannon yesterday. She is a regular reader of this blog and has her own blog as well, which you can find here.

Shannon is a mom of four and has a lot of good tips and stories that you moms out there will really enjoy. I'm sure she appreciates me advertising her blog under the heading of "I've Figured Out How to NOT Get Peed Upon"....

I bet she gets over it. :-)

At any rate, during our e-mail exchange I told Shannon that there are times I wish this blog were anonymous so I could post some politically incorrect thoughts. While age (not that I'm old) has tempered the extent to which I voice my politically incorrect thoughts, that doesn't mean I don't have them anymore. Those of you who have spent any amount of time around me in the past, especially when I've had a few, know that I tend to run my mouth. Sometimes to the detriment of my physical well-being. We'll share those stories at a later date.

At any rate, the following could be perceived as politically incorrect. However, as a parent, things that were once politically incorrect to talk about simply become a matter of standard conversation. In other words, it becomes (more) acceptable to talk about baby's bowel movements, parts, and other various bodily functions that you would not normally talk about if they were your own.

In other words, it would not be acceptable for me to tell you about the last time I sat down on the pot, but it might be funny (if you phrase it correctly) to tell you about the last time Junior dropped a deuce. I'll get to the point of this post eventually, I swear.

First though, let me provide you with a little background having to do with our dog Bailey. As you dog owners know, when you have a puppy there are few things more important than trying to get this puppy to do his/her business outside. Puppies (and some adult dogs, for that matter) are notoriously slow to use the bathroom. Sniff here. Sniff there. Sniff everywhere. This really sucks when it's 10 degrees outside but I digress from my digression.

When Bailey was a puppy, Mamma and I would watch her every move intently when we took her outside b/c 1) it was cold and 2) we wanted her to do her business so she didn't do it in the house. Well, through my (occasionally) keen sense of observation, I learned that when Bailey moved a certain way she was about to "make a deposit" and return her dog food from whence it came. I told Mamma one day that I had "learned the ways of the puppy bunghole."

I could predict a poo coming a good minute or so before the poo actually made its appearance.

I have now learned how to predict when Junior is about to unleash the fury of his pee upon poor, unsuspecting Pappa.

When you take Junior's diaper off, the poor little guy is obviously exposed to the world. By exposed, I mean his ding a ling is out there for all to see. He doesn't seem to care about this. Quite frankly, I've never cared when mine has been exposed for all the world to see either but, again, we'll save those stories for a later date. I guess he takes after his daddy.

The problem with his ding a ling being exposed, and you standing in front of him, is that baby ding a lings do what baby ding a lings do: hose daddy down like a new new prisoner at Folsom. The trick is to figure out WHEN this is about to happen.

Now, as a Daddy, I've obviously got a ding a ling as well. You would think that after all these years of experience with my own ding a ling I would be able to tell by looking when the ding a ling was about to "serve its purpose" even if I didn't have the ability to tell when my bladder was full. However, this is not the case.

Ding a lings obviously change over time. Afterall, eventually ding a lings don't work anymore. That's why Phizer makes so much money but I think I feel a little dirty bringing erectile disfunction into this so we'll leave that one alone.

I can't tell by looking when my ding a ling is about to serve its purpose, but I CAN tell by looking when Junior's is (and...no....I have not sat and stared at Junior's ding a ling). Think of a snake. Specifically, a cobra. When a cobra is calm it lies on the ground. When a cobra is about to strike it raises up and moves back and forth. Well, baby ding a lings do the same thing when they're about to "strike".

This is what I observed last night right before Junior decided to hose me down. I took his diaper off and was shocked that he was "free-standing" (for lack of a better term). I had no clue what was about to happen...and then it did. He began to pee. My hand moved to grab a Kleenex faster than I would move if I had just grabbed a hot pan out of the oven. I put the Kleenex over Junior's parts. After a few seconds I assumed that Junior would have finished his job. I was wrong. I removed the Kleenex to be greated by "the stream". So I quickly re-covered the "parts" but did so incorrectly. I didn't cover the stream as I had the first time but redirected it such that the stream now flew up toward his head and across the changing table. Let's just say it was a mess, he needed a new outfit, and so did I.

I don't know if my scientific discovery is generalizale to the broader baby population but, for you parents of little boys out there, if you take take your baby's diaper off and see a ding a ling saluting you...that cobra is about to spit in your general direction.

There's a reason Mamma changes most of the diapers around our house.