There's a reason women have the babies

First of all, let me point out a fundamental flaw in the female psyche. For their entire lives, many women look forward to an object the size of a watermelon shooting out of their hind end. That seems strange and sadomasichistic to me but women look forward to the act, or at least the end result of it. I'm sure readers of the female persuasion are saying, "HELL NO we don't look forward to it!"...

However, there's a reason that God decided that women should give birth and not men. He knows that women can handle it and we can't.

If men had to give birth there would have been countless inventions created to make birth easy. For example, someone would have invented a prosthetic orifice to replace whatever orifice we would use in the process (I shudder to even think of using an orifice for that purpose...much less having that orifice replaced with another orifice but I'll continue b/c I'm too deep into this horror to turn back now). This prosthetic orifice would function much like a crescent wrench. First, it would have no nerves. I mean really, why subject yourself to the pain if you don't have to? Second, it would expand and contract with the movement of a lever thus allowing the successful "exit" of said baby.

Also, there would be a kind of fiber pill to make the birth more (dare I say) regular. I don't know how that would work but it sounds better than the alternative.

At any rate, let me just say that I have always had the utmost respect for moms, but I REALLY have the utmost respect for moms after seeing what this whole process entails. Not just the birthing process but the fact that women have MUCH more patience than men when the baby arrives.

The other night Junior was balling his head off because he was hungry. I went to the kitchen to heat up a bottle and returned to the bedroom to give it to him. He's lying on the bed wailing away when I walk in. I sit down, he's still wailing, and the following words honestly came out of my mouth: "Junior, is all this really necessary? Isn't there a better way to get your point across?" Now granted this is at 3 AM and my mind isn't working very clearly (you may argue that my mind isn't working very clearly now or I wouldn't have proposed the prosthetic orifice above...and you'd be right).

Further, let me clue you in on another thing that makes my liver quiver (that rhymes and that's the only reason I use the phrase). Are you ready? BREAST PUMPING! Those are two words that should never be placed side by side. I mean, "pumping" should never come before "breast" and "breast" should never come before "pumping".

Holy Cow Udders, Batman! Really!?!?! I'm not a violent man, but if someone tried to put a suction device on my nipple I'd give them a one way ticket to a hospital in Wisconsin. They can get all the milk they want there.

Just another reason that women are better suited for "mothering". I know. I know. Women don't like breast pumping either. Many prefer the formula route or letting the baby serve as the pump. Well, that opens up a whole other can of worms. Ain't nothing sucking on my boob. I mean nothing. Those are there for decoration and that is ALL. Mine serve no purpose other than to make me conform and to do so symmetrically.

I read the other day about a dad who wanted to experience what it was like to breast feed his kid. This doofus took hormones so that his body could produce milk. He succeeded. He succeeded in producing milk and forever being banished from Man-ville. Now I'm sure this guy is a real piece of work, and probably one of those metro-sexual types (he's actually probably a college professor b/c those guys are a bunch of weirdos), but if you are a guy you should take advantage of any and all benefits that come with being a guy. One of those is that you don't have to be the Dairyland of America for your offspring.

As a guy I take pride in being simple. I need beer, food, sex, a comfortable place to do my business with something to read while I'm engaged in said act, family, and my wife. I choose to not add complication to my life any more than I have to. That includes taking hormones so that another being, even my kid, can feed off me.

All this said, I do think that breastfeeding is a beautiful thing. I'm glad that we have taken that route (pumping) because there are a lot of physical benefits for the baby. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't (dare I say "wouldn't") give birth even if I had the option. Moms are here for a reason and we should all love and respect them for their willingness to perform the above acts without the assistance of power tools or sending anyone to the great cheese curd in the sky. Men couldn't/wouldn't handle it.

I think I need a nap.