If you can guess which of these actually apply to us and Junior, I'll send you a cookie.
You might be a redneck parent if...
...your baby's crib consists of a spot on the floor outlined in cinder blocks.
...you have ever put tin foil on the antenna of your baby monitor to improve reception.
...you have ever wondered why they don't make a baby toupe to cover up those bald spots.
...you hope your baby's first words are the name of your favorite NASCAR driver.
...you have ever told your wife, "There's no need to give the baby a bath tonight. I've had him/her laying on the ground all day and the dog has licked him/her all over."
...your baby's crib collapsed and ten animals perished underneath.
...you've ever wondered why bars don't serve a mix of formula and Jim Beam.
...you have the same number of teeth as your newborn.
...you've ever tried to set your baby up with one of his/her cousins.
...you've ever tried to cut crystal meth with baby formula.
...you've told your significant other that you already have plans for your baby to get a job when they turn 12.
...the highest aspiration you have for your baby include the words "manager" and "Dairy Queen".
...your baby owns a Mississippi State starter jacket or bib.
...the first baby gift you received was a "log" of Skoal.
...you don't understand why babies can't spit Skoal juice as far as you and your wife can.
...you wish your boss would let you druel and poop your pants just like your baby does.
...the first song your baby ever heard was Willy Nelson singing "Crazy".
...you hope your baby enjoys Willy Nelson's, "I've Gotta Get Drunk and I Sure Do Dread it" as much as you did when you were a kid.
...you said the words, "Hey son, watch this!!!" when you were driving your baby home from the hospital.
...your baby's stroller has a lift kit installed on it.
...your baby's stroller has a sticker on the back with Calvin peeing on a Chevy/Ford logo.
...your baby's stroller has an 80's era Trans Am "screaming chicken" sticker on it.
...you rock your baby to sleep at night singing Lynerd Skynerd's "Freebird".
...you've ever used your baby as collateral on a new truck.
...your wife ever scolded you for saying "Wooo Pig" to your baby before saying "I love you."
...you taught your baby to "Call the Hogs" while he/she was still in the womb.
...you think a c-section is right next to the smoking section.
...you dress your baby with clothes you bought using Marlboro miles.
...your wife didn't scold you for saying "Wooo Pig" to your baby before saying "I love you."
...you've wondered if your baby's first words will be the dog's name, mamma, or da da.
...one end of your baby's crib has an animal mounted on it.
...you found it in yourself to watch your baby's birth by thinking of cleaning game, because you normally can't stomach the sight of such mess.
...you've ever explained to your baby that, "What happens at duck camp, stays at duck camp."
...you've ever wondered if your other baby's mamma/daddy knows about your current baby's mamma/daddy.
...you've ever gotten in a fight because someone said your baby boy was "beautiful".
...you took your baby to the vet for his/her immunizations.
...your pediatrician has the letters "DVM" behind his/her name.
...you named your baby girl "Bessie" b/c you just like the name of the family cow so much.
...your baby's stroller is currently up on cinder blocks in the front yard b/c you're trying to find that squeek.
...there's an old, empty freon drum next to your baby's crib.
...you own a bib that has "No Fear!" embroidered on it.
...you use old pieces of carpet as a baby blanket.
...you refer to your baby as part of a litter.
...you use saw dust as a changing table.
...you've ever explained to your baby the intricacies of how "Rubbin is racin."
...the birth of your baby was announced over the loudspeaker at the local dirt track speedway.
...you compared your baby's birth weight to the largest bass you've ever caught.
...you have a sticker on the back of your car that reads, "My baby could kick your honor student's ass."
...you show pictures of your baby to friends and then immediately transition to showing them pictures of that 10 point you shot last year.
...you refer to your baby's weight in terms of the size of shotgun shells: "Well, he started off as a 4-10 but I've been mixing Crisco in with his formula so now he's up to a 10 guage."
...you tried to plan conception, and subsequent birth, around football/duck/deer season.
...you ever THOUGHT about planning conception, and subsequent birth, around football/duck/deer season.
...you hope you live long enough to see great grandbabies and to see the Hogs win a National Championship in football.
That last one's a freebie. You know that applies to me.
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2 comments:
Instead of "Crazy" by Willie, I would vote for "Seven Spanish Angels". And, so, did Mamma scold you for saying "Go Hogs" before "I love you" or not? Because, we all KNOW you did!!!
Dorman
Well, his first song was "Crazy". You guessed that one.
Yes, Mamma did scold me for the "Go Hogs" prior to "I love you" thing too.
You guessed another one.
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