This Blog Has Been Pretty SERIOUS the Last Few Days!!!

Let's move on to more jovial thoughts.

Here's a few stupid things that drive me crazy:

1. Waking up to my dog licking herself: Is there anything worse than waking up at 2 AM to a steady "slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp" noise only to look over and see your dog's nose buried so deep in her own butt that you wonder if she considered plumbing as a second career? Don't get me wrong. If I could....well, I won't go there.

2. Decorative pillows: Mamma has these damned decorative pillows she puts on our bed every day. There's only like, ohhhh I don't know, 500 of them. This is all fine, except that they're a pain in the rear to take off and they then get stored ON MY SIDE OF THE BED!!! Getting up to go to the bathroom at night is like walking through a minefield installed by a male florist. As Homer Simpson would say, "Stupid decoration."

3. Cat's meowing for food: I'll feed you when I'm good and GD ready, you stupid little hooker!

4. Asian drivers: DWA = Driving While Asian. This is part of the reason I don't use my name on this blog, so I can say stuff like this. I don't think it's the Americans of Asian heritage. I think it's the ones who were actually born over there somewhere. They drive like a 5 year old on his Hot Wheels trying to run over as many acorns in the driveway as humanly possible. THIS ISN'T "CONNECT THE DOTS" PEOPLE! THIS IS DRIVING! They're probably too busy solving a calculus equation or listening to a 'Hello Kitty' CD. That or taking pictures. Those folks are ALWAYS taking pictures.

5. Low tire pressure light on my Jeep: My jeep has a light saying my tire pressure is low. This thing came on as soon as the temperature got below 30 degrees up here. I understand the reason why temperature affects tire pressure. I also understand that a responsible driver would fill his tires up with air to save on gas. Well, I'm not a responsible driver. Get that stupid ass light and it's associated "PING" off my freaking dashboard! When that sucker stats flopping, I'll put some damned air in it!

Further, why would I fill it up in winter only so I have to let air out in the spring? This is circular. It's fine as long as the temperature is above 30.

6. Running out of propane when grilling: This is why you keep a spare tank but if you don't have one, and you run out, well....you're stupid, but it still sucks.

7. Dog hair - Bailey didn't shed when we first got her. She does now. I'm taking her back. Not really. When she shakes, she looks like the character Pigpen off the Peanuts comic strip. You know? The one with that cloud of dirt hanging over him. Except with Bailey, it's hair, not dirt. I think her days as a permanent inside dog are numbered.

8. The light/noise designed to circumvent natural selection on my Jeep: Otherwise known as the "seat belt not fastened" indicator. Thankfully, I figured out how to turn this thing off. Listen, sometimes I just drive from my apartment to the dumpster, I don't need you telling me I should fasten my seat belt during that 1/8th mile stretch. Worse, it's a constant "ping, ping, ping, ping". Holy moley puddin' pie, it makes me want to put my fist through the dashboard. The only thing about putting your fist through the dashboard is that...well...that would hurt and I really don't think I could do it anyway.

Listen, if you're not smart enough to figure out that fastening your seat belt (on trips longer than those to the apt complex dumpster) is potentially good for your health, I don't want you to breed anyway.

This blog is on hietus next week. I'll be in AR to close on our house. Check back a week from Monday. Hope everyone's doing well.

Pappa